HUMAN, BEHAVE YOURSELF.

looking for the patterns in stattic, they start to make sense the longer I’m at it.

seriously, the only thing that can put my head in a clear state is ben gibbard’s voice and lyrics. and he is SEXY i don’t care what anyone says. i think people need to understand something about me, i have a very different taste in men. i like charm/personality/and eyes. i dont care if you are short (obviously), i dont have a taste because im not a picky asshole. a lot of girls ask me why i dont have a problem getting guys or why relationships are easy for me. i dont set high standards because i want love to find me. im not going to go searching for that “perfect” man. if i dated someone that matched every trait i have on my “dream hunk” illustration it would drive me batty. and its not like i settle either. if i dont feel a connection i’m honest and tell the dude its not going to happen. ive learned a lot from each of my relationships because i let myself fall inlove with the un-known.

when i first started dating i liked preppy dudes that loved eminem and surfing. that year i ended up dating a punk-rock wanna-be who introduced me to blink and new found glory and puppy love (and occasionally wore a ralph lauren polo). 

then there were those few stragglers i “dated” but nothing serious. my taste changed to preppy dudes that liked boating, guitar and taking back sunday. i ended up dating a guy that introduced me to “indie” music, skated, played hockey, and wore girl jeans. after two years of that, i went through my “scene” faze like a lot of us do. i wanted a guy that had black crazy hair, gages, wore tighter pants than me, band tshirts, and listened to hardcore. i thought since for the past 3 years i dated guys not EXACTLY my taste that it was my turn to go find someone that had the traits i wanted and nothing else. it didnt take me long to find this person, and the first month was cool because i had him wrapped around my finger, i had control and he was “cool”. after about 2 months of that ….. i got bored, really really bored. it ended up being the worst relationship ive ever had and im embarassed that i dated him for that long. 

so after that is when i decided that love can find me, im not going to go look for it and im not going to sit and constantly say how badly i want a boyfriend or asking people to find me a guy. its desperate and never works, because ive learned when its you going out and finding a guy to date and you think he is “perfect” for you, it doesnt work out. 

which leads me to my relationship now. i definitely did not go finding this little piece of work. he came to me, and i denied. i thought he was super weird and creepy and perverted and BLAH. but, something in my heart told me “eh just keep talking to him he can be a good friend”. so, we did keep talking and the more we talked the bigger the crush grew but it scared me. i mean, do you think i wanted to like someone who lived across the damn country, who was in a band, and not my type at all? but hey ….. my heart wouldnt give up so i went with it and now not only is he my boyfriend who has changed my life, but my bestest friend too. and thats the one thing i never had in a boyfriend, a best friend. 

so in conclusion, i have come to realize my past relationships helped me grow to who i am now and i do not regret any of them, well maybe one of them. so yeah, dont go looking for love, let it find you.

well since this seems to be the new craze …. why not jump in? im sitting in my bed looking out my window listening to a rooster crow and a house guest talk on the phone. its my day off, i dont have much to do.

my life has been a complete whirl-win of craziness. these past two months have been the most difficult months ive had since july 07. ive grown more than i ever imagined. it helped me realize who i am and what i am capable of. all i know is love conquers all.

i have also been having a hard time decided what to do next year. i really just hate los angeles but i love my job. i hate what this city does to people and they dont even realize they are a monster. everyone ive met here who has told me im their “friend” has such a warped sense of what friendship is. people are so quick to say the term “best friend”. thats why im so glad i did live in ft myers and made the friends i have now who will always be my best friends. no los angeles loving egotistical name dropping daddys girl is going to take their place. i seriously cant believe some people here and when they talk i just want to shake them and walk away. ok enough negative…

i need my paycheck now